Men in Skinny jeans; I’m coming out of the closet

I’ve been meaning to write about sex for awhile, but of course I cannot talk about the act itself because the judgmental society I live in would brand me too forward for their sons, so I’m stuck to talking about things we pretend are completely not associated with IT so are ok to talk about; like how certain guys with certain buns in certain skinny jeans ooze a lot of nice sticky, finger licking sex appeal 🙂

Yes, there are a lot of standard lists women throw around; like rich, tall and handsome (yes, I left out the dark because I think it’s a bit racist), but we all kinda vary as you go further down the list and I for one have recently discovered that I like men in skinny jeans. There is just ALOT you can tell about a guy in those nicely tight jeans. It’s out and official now.

Jean

Jean (Photo credit: Johnny.Lai)

Yes, they absolutely work for me so stop judging me you man reading this that that has never tried them. If the guy has a nice ass, nice ass + skinny jeans = me trying not to get caught staring. Pardon? what’s a nice ass?; well it shouldn’t be too big and shouldn’t look like it was flat ironed and pressed before wearing the pants, it should be just enough to check out while he’s walking away and enough to slip my hand into his back pocket and play with if we are walking together. A guy’s ass should be like those dorm buns we used to have in Nabisunsa. For those that I’ve lost by now, Nabisunsa is one of the better schools in Uganda; it’s an all girls’ secondary school that used to give out free buns once or twice a week and those buns were smaller than your average Ugandan bun and oh so perfect, they were so amazing for small sandwiches that could be eaten in 4bites or less if you have a big mouth and two of them were just enough, not too filling and not living you wanting more. Now that is how a nice guy’s ass should be, just enough.

So a guy not afraid to suck it in and pack neatly into those babies, means the guy is daring and adventurous and might be the same in other regards but mostly because I can look out for those nice buns I like.

You know what I don’t get though? I absolutely don’t get why the men around here are so afraid of these jeans though, why they won’t return the favor women are always doing for them. Do you think we like the pressure of push up bras, heels, and weaves? But we do it anyway.  They cringe every time they see the brave souls in a pair claiming the jeans kill the little chap down there but I know faster ways to kill your masculinity than skinny jeans; I’m sure those phones always vibrating in men’s pockets take down sperm count using some earthquake theory or something like that and I know for a fact men with very unflattering bodies that wear spedos at public pools are intentionally out to starve their ninjas.

So I’ve decided to let every guy around me know that I will still like them if they get a pair of skinny jeans, maybe even a bit more depending on the buns. So get one pair, at least one, if not for me at least to tell your kids and grand kids that you did it. Ok, I’m done, I promise to write about more serious something more serious in the next post.

PS: I hope I’m not losing my street cred by admitting that my eye candy is that far down though

LOSING MY LIFE, TRYING TO GIVE LIFE IS NOT HOW I WANT TO GO

English: pregnancy at 8th month

English: pregnancy at 8th month (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A lot of people keep asking me why I want to stay childless and of course, usually I just retort- ‘why not?’ but I’d like to tell everyone who cares to know that while death is inevitable; I don’t want to beg it to come to my doorstep and becoming pregnant lately will do just that. I have enough things bringing me closer to my Maker without having to add child bearing to the list; our life expectancy is at a mere  45years and I should be experiencing a midlife crisis anytime now, then there are those high risk transport things called boda bodas ridden by special men that try to see how far they can tease and coax death and get away with it every time I jump on one, and because of the high unemployment rate which stands  at about 78% among youth, I just might die of starvation, desperation or depression- whichever gets me first.

But let me just walk you through the odds women have to go through in Uganda to give that life that so many people demand of them

On average, an estimated 16 pregnant women die every day in Uganda- that’s a lot of pregnant women if you ask me especially given that these deaths are preventable. I read and hear so many stories of women dying in the ward because of complications giving birth and my resolve not to get pregnant just becomes stronger and stronger.

There is the story of Jennifer Anguko who bled to death in a government hospital in October 2010, while waiting to deliver her child as her husband begged health workers for attention.  Another lady recently is reported to have lost one of her twins while giving birth in IHK, a respected private hospital in Kampala and when asked what caused the death, the doctors actually dint know so it’s not just a public institutions problem.

I was also shocked to learn that for every woman or girl who dies as a result of pregnancy-related causes, between 20 and 30 more who survive will develop short- and long-term disabilities, such as obstetric fistula, a ruptured uterus, or pelvic inflammatory disease.

But more saddening is the fact that with Uganda’s fertility rate at 6.9%, and with your average Ugandan woman getting married at 18yrs, the number of women getting pregnant is not about to reduce.

Lately also, there have been more women that have pregnancy complications and need caesarian help to produce their child but there are only 200 surgeons out of the 2,105 registered doctors in the country. This means there is only one surgeon for every 400,000 Ugandans. And this morning I was reading an article in the New Vision about how unqualified doctors are operating on patients, case in point being the ongoing case against one Dr. Ssali of the Fertility hospital in Bukoto who admitted the doctor he allowed to operate on a female patient that passed away did not have a practicing certificate in Uganda.

Government hasn’t really done anything to change these statistics; in fact our health care system is falling apart if you ask me. CEHURD, an NGO, brought a petition against government complaining that it violated the women’s rights by neglecting to put essential medical commodities in place for them when they are pregnant and the Constitutional Court threw the case out holding that it could not interfere with the Executive’s mandate- I know, real jokers!

And so tell me reader, why in God’s name with all those odds against pregnant women, would I want to conceive on a whim of faith that at the end of those 9 months, I’ll be sitting on a hospital holding a bouncing baby girl?

I prefer to meet my death in another way, thank you